v. 60 đOPEN THIS: 48 Life Lessons For My 48th Year
Welcome to Life, Created â a weekly(ish) reflection on the wisdom of being a grown-ass human and staying curious when the worldâs on fire. Part essay, part cultural commentary, and always rooted in microjoys, meaning, and the moments that make it all worthwhile.
I turned 48 today. And over the weekend, we hosted a most fabulous sit-down dinner party for fourteen good friends. Because if youâre going to celebrate another year, you might as well do it with people who bring joy, good stories, a steady pour of champagne, plus the kind of love that gets many of them to trek in from NYC into the New Jersey suburbs on a Saturday night.
I get to be a 48-year-old woman. Isnât that spectacular? Truly, what a privilege. In honor of this moment, Iâm sharing forty-eight life lessons. Not the âI wish someone had told meâ kind, because honestly, I wouldnât have listened anyway. Some lessons you only learn by living them, tripping over them, and sometimes repeating them. Think of this as a collection of reminders that most grown folks need now and then. I hope you enjoy this yearâs list. And if something resonates, please do forward it to the folks you love and share your favorites in the comments section. Really, it means a lot to me when you drop a comment and say hello.
Here goesâŚ
You are not for everyone and trying to force others to like you is like adding glitter icing to a shitty cupcake, unnecessary and still not appealing. Truly. YOU ARE NOT FOR EVERYONE. And thatâs a very good thing.
Grief isnât for show. You donât owe anyone a perfectly curated âsadness.â Itâs not Instagrammable, and itâs not linear. Feel how you feel in private, in public, wherever you need to but for your own healing, just let it be honest.
Swearing and lipstick are excellent coping mechanisms. (I learned the swearing part from my mom. The lipstick, though? I learned that from the kids on Tik Tok.)
Celebrate microjoys. Seek out delightful occurrences and beauty in the mundane because big, sweeping happiness isnât consistent or promised. Honestly, microjoys are where itâs atâ. *Pro tip: Buy several copies of MICROJOYS and gift it to all your fave people.
Self-reflect often. But remember, thereâs a difference between learning from life and getting stuck in it.
Get to know yourself and then, be her. Without apology. For the love of all things gorgeous in this world, stop shape-shifting to fit other peopleâs expectations. Your integrity will always mean more than their approval.
Be the person who talks to animals. My mom used to talk to her dog like he was a full-grown adult with a job and a 401(k). Theyâd get into these dramatic back-and-forths, argue for two whole minutes, and then be best friends again like nothing happened. Though I was a full-grown adult probaby in my young 40âs, Iâd watch them with all the judgement of a teenager and say something snarky like, âMom, donât you think you need more human friends? Louie is just a dog. He does not understand you! âAnd sheâd roll her eyes. This morning, I caught myself in a full conversation with Shaker, our CH cat, about the state of the world as I turn 48. What goes around, comes around. (And sometimes it comes back wearing orange fur and sitting on your fancy rug like he pays rent.)
Taking care of your skin is self-preservation. Future you (and me!) deserves a glow-up. Now go put on that eye cream, okay?
Shift your perspective. Notice what you do have; because dwelling on whatâs missing doesnât make it appear.
More PINK . Regardless of what Pantone says this year, the color pink really is the G.O.A.T (Yes, I still use this term and I donât care if itâs no longer cool.)
Get acquainted with your boundaries. Theyâll bring you back to yourself. Every. single. time.
Wear Sunscreen - Consider sunscreen as a lilâ force field for your face. (This one is my fave- itâs lightweight and doesnât give my skin a grey caste like many others do. My office is in a sunroom and I keep this on my desk to use throughout the day, all year round.)
Choose your battles wisely, and adapt accordingly. Not everything needs to be an all-out war, especially when you canât actually change anything.
Practice gratitude regularly. Yes, weâre all annoyed with the overzealous âgratitude culture,â but honestly, it works. So list three things youâre grateful for and then, keep it movingâ.
Personal leadership doesnât mean having all the answers. But instead, trusting yourself enough to take the next step, even if itâs uncertain.
Sometimes, we really are the victim and acknowledging this recognizes injustice and harm done; and thatâs not a mindset or a joke. This doesnât make us weak, and it deserves recognition, compassion, and space rather than dismissal or oversimplification.
Sequined clothing can be a life philosophy. Go get you some!
Stay grounded in integrity Integrity means doing the right thing even when itâs inconvenient, basically the opposite of what social media often promotesâ.
Time doesnât heal all wounds, but it does soften some of the sharpest edgesâ.
Foster meaningful community. These are the folks whoâll hold you up when life is messy, call you out when youâre being an asshole, and hype you up when youâre crushing it. You return the favor, because youâre that person too.
When youâre ready, find the lesson in challenges. Life is a masterclass in resilience and grace, even if you didnât sign up for it.
Embrace impermanence. It reminds us to hold on gently and let go gracefully. A lesson I keep learning over and over again.
Get yourself some plants. Probably you should get yourself A LOT of plants, actually. A plant unfurling a new leaf is basically a standing ovation for your care. And you know I LOVE a standing ovation. Also, Iâm on my 4th Monstera plant. I canât keep these fuckers alive. And still, I just bought a giant new one because what is this life without a bit of hope, right?!
Create (some) space for feelings . Sit with your feelings; theyâre not going to biteâ. (I mean, they might but they probably wonât give you rabies.)
Do good. Whatever youâve got; time, talent, money or a bit of all of itâ use it to make a difference.
Grief doesnât have a timeline; it shows up unannounced, like that friend who never texts back but still means the world to you. (Hi, you know who you are.)
Use humor as medicine. Life is weird, perfect, awful and beautiful. Itâs all of it. But. And. Laughter heals what logic canât.
CHILL. A little irreverence goes a long way toward sanity.
Prioritize your mental wellbeing . Rest is a power move.â Seriously.
Stay curious. Read the books, ask lots of questions, visit new places, and learn from people whoâve been there. Curiosity is how we continue to evolve.
Cultivate self-compassion. Be good to yourself, even if it makes you cringe a little. No one else has to know.
Nostalgic TV is always a good idea. The Golden Girls deliver peak grown-ass life wisdom wrapped in sitcom brilliance. Sit down and watch a few episodes. You are welcome.
And whenever I catch reruns of All in the Family, Iâm reminded that we are still living in that same world. It is just better disguised on most days. Looking back shows me how far weâve come and where we still have work to do. That kind of clarity is its own power.
Choose whimsy and delight. Even when it feels petty or silly. Yes, that includes overindulging in hot pink holiday decor, which I may have done previously and will do again. I have no regrets. Ira might, but I havenât asked him soâŚ
Grief changes you. Itâs the greatest teacher you never wanted.
Lean into your people. Often. Especially as a grown-up. I come from a family of decent folks who donât ask for support and they suffer in silence. Donât do this to yourselves. Find your people and hold on tightâ. Life is too hard to do this alone.
Go in for the hug. Everytime (but with consent, of course.)
Honor your own path. Comparing yourself to others is irrelevant. Youâre judging your behind-the-scenes against their highlight reel. Itâs not the same thing and doing so is a losing battle. I promise.
Practice perspective. That annoying email or that assumed slight from a stranger on the subway? Tiny blips. Save your energy for the big stuff, like world peace⌠or finding your AirPods.
Real friendship isnât always pretty, but itâs always worth it. Show up, tell the truth, and hold space, even for the weird shit, like their deep dive into questionable wellness trendsâŚ
Create relationship with ancestors. I keep pictures of my ancestors nearby always, including my nephew, father and favorite auntie. Mama Shelleyâs absence is ever-present. But her essence is woven into everything I do, encouraging me to be courageous, authentic, and honest, even when it pisses people offâ. And I often piss people off. Iâm proud of this and Iâm certain my mama is, too.
Lead with kindness and courage. Thereâs enough negativity in this big wide world; be the person who lifts others up, rather than the one who tears them downâ.
Not all nostalgia is good nostalgia. Let it visit for the holidays, but donât let it move in.
Wear the weird thing that makes you happy. Thatâs all.
More microjoys. Itâs okay to laugh through your tears. In fact, I highly recommend it. Joy and sorrow often hold hands when we let them.
Know yourself. When you really know yourself âwarts and allâ, peopleâs opinions feel less like critiques and more like background music. Itâs there, but not worth focusing on.
Let go when you need to. Friendships, plans, even fabulous shoes that donât fit your life anymore; some things have an expiration date. Release them with gratitude.
Always remember where you come from. Your past is a map. Keep it close, honor where you started, and let it guide you toward where ever youâre meant to go next.
And finally,
Meditate. Not because it is virtuous or cool, but because itâs the one place where you cannot perform. Sit still long enough and all the noise falls away. What is left is you. The real you. The you who knows what she needs and what she is done tolerating. A few quiet minutes will tell you more about your life than most people ever will.
Thanks for reading, virtual family. x
Every essay features a section called âOne Fine Microjoyâ â an experience, place, or thing that brings me joy, grace, and hope amidst lifeâs ups and downs. I hope it invites you to recognize and appreciate the delights that ground, inspire, and enrich our journey.
This weekâs microjoy: This weekâs microjoy is co-hosting with my cute husband. Before we got married, we had a very serious conversation about our future roles. I was officially named the Entertainment Director, responsible for fun, travel, friends, and dinner parties. Iraâs role was to âkeep the wheels on the bus,â which he accepted with great pride since he has zero interest in planning an actual event.
He has no desire to be the host, but he absolutely wants to be in the mix. He loves the behind-the-scenes prep, the refilling of glasses, and the satisfaction of making sure everyone leaves a little happier than they arrived. He is the man who ensures our cats have the correct food to stay alive, that our car is always maintained, that I look beautiful in pictures, and that we own every cool house, camping, and life gadget known to humankind.
I bring the party and he keeps it from catching on fire. A fair exchange, indeed.
P.S. Per usual, if this resonated with you- repost, comment, share and spread the word.
With love, wisdom [and small mercies] from Montclair. xx
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