The Unknown, Free Will & Surrender
I surrender. I have no choice left. There. I said it.
I’ve realize more than ever how little control I have. How little control any of us have. We spend our lives trying to perfect and forecast every possibility in an effort to circumvent bad things, whatever that means to you. But it’s not realistic nor is it how life actually works. Bad things sometimes happen to bad people. But bad things also happen to good people, too. All of it is true.
These are my blue light blocking glasses for when I’m on a damn screen all day. I’m not even sure they do anything. Placebo, anyone?
I’ve watched incredible people put every effort & extreme into this past year: some folks have literally not left their house at all for the better part of a year. Not because anyone is immunocompromised but instead because they feel better knowing that they’ve taken zero risk of exposure to anything at anytime. Fair enough! (But of course, that rule doesn’t apply to much needed vacations (insert eyeroll.) Go figure. This has literally sent them over the edge of normalcy; making them both conflicted and highly fearful with how to manage the extremes.
While several others have set up house with near- strangers in an effort to not have to be alone or deal with the imminent facts of their current situation. (Choices are hard. I get it.) And I also know folks who’ve decided to take more or less risk with whom they surround themselves with or how they choose to patronize local bars & restaurants.
There is no one right way to handle extended trauma and unknowing.* Everyone has to find their place within it and live with the consequences of whichever choices they make, myself included.
BUT NO MATTER HOW WE CHOOSE TO MANAGE THE TRAUMA THAT WE’RE COLLECTIVELY DEALING WITH; I JUST DON’T BELIEVE THAT WE CAN ESCAPE WHATEVER IS MEANT TO BE FOR US. SOMEONE I USED TO KNOW WOULD OFTEN SAY “WHATEVER IS YOURS WILL BE YOURS.” AND I AGREE WITH THAT SENTIMENT, FOR BETTER OR WORSE.
But it doesn’t make life any easier to navigate nor does it mean that every choice we make will be a worthwhile one. It just means that, at some point, we will have to accept what is. I suppose this is the age old argument of questioning how free our will really is. And of course, I have no idea. I have faith. I have discernment. I have hopes. But I also know that much of my own access and success is because of the work that others have done before me; not only a result of my own free will. But alas, I do believe that whatever is ours, will be ours.
I was speaking with my long-time therapist this week and after discussing my overall situation & sense of “what is, simply is” regarding these past months (there’s more going on than I’ve spoken publicly about.) And she said “I have to admit, these are not things I would have ever expected for you. You figure things out and you always come up with a plan of action.” She’s right.
That’s who I am. That’s what I do. Until I’m not. Until I simply cannot.
Until situations outside of our control take place. And to be clear, there will be so many situations that truly are outside of our control no matter how hard we wish they weren’t.
And so, why do we worry so much, and constantly try so hard if what is ours will be ours? I don’t know. That’s a question I struggle with in the midst of life happening around me (and us!) at the moment; the chaos, disillusion, illness, death, outlandish behaviors, racism & inequities on so many fronts. I simply do not know the answer. BUT. I do hope that discernment, our choices and that how we live, matters. It must. Or else, what is it all for?
In the interim, knowing full well that I may never get a real answer to the above questions, I will surrender in every possible moment to what simply is. And I hope the same for you.
*Yes, there are absolutely clear ways to avoid COVID, I’m speaking of the overall trauma and unknowing that this last year has brought on so many fronts, not COVID specifically.
